You’ve done all the right things to have a successful life…but all you’ve gotten is a successful career (and a life that doesn’t involve you).

Published January 2025

by Naya the Creative

IN OTHER WORDS
You’ve taken the right steps in life to secure a solid education, a prosperous career (and the financial security it affords you), a network that helps you advance professionally, and colleagues who trust you to get shit done.

To get there, you’ve had to under-invest in relationships, experiences, and opportunities that make your life a reflection of who you really care to be.

This piece will help you unpack why — in spite of your professional success — you can’t seem to make your life feel on the inside how it looks from the outside.

THIS PIECE WAS WRITTEN FOR
The reluctantly independent Black woman who has had amazing successes alone, and takes pride in not being a burden to anyone (but may have preferred to not have had to do so much on her own).

This piece may still resonate with you if you don’t match that description to a “t”.

In western society, we measure life success in 2, sometimes 3, ways.

We’ve collectively decided that a person is living a successful life if they:

have a successful career,
have a successful romantic partnership,
and (in some cases) have successfully made children.

We don’t typically measure the quality of life the person is experiencing through those. We’ve essentially just decided that having those things is better than not having those things. Having those makes someone successful, by default.

We rarely concern ourselves with how happy someone is in their career. If they seem to be able to afford “nice things”, we decide they’re doing well in that career (unless we “know” they “married well”).

We judge successful romantic partnerships similarly. If a couple “looks happy” and we don’t hear that one is cheating on, or beating on, the other, things must be fine. If they look cute on Instagram, we might even decide it’s okay to “want what they have.”

If they’ve been together a while, it’s time for them to start popping out cute babies! Gender reveal, baby shower, 1st birthday smash cake — and that’s that. They now have it all.

Great careers, happy looking relationship, and beautiful babies. They won life! Cut the cameras, nothing left to see here. We’ll be back in 5-10 years to film the reunion episode, when they renew their vows.

And if we agree that’s the model for a successful life, they did win.

But do you agree that’s all there is to life?

Sure, that’s the life path most of us have been conditioned to walk.

But is that everything you really want?

Seriously, ask yourself: is that ev-er-y-thing you want?

Do you think that’s enough to completely satisfy you for the rest of your life? To give you a chance to richly experience all that you want to feel in this life?

It’s probably not enough for you.

And if it’s not enough, but that’s the success story you’ve been working for, you’re already settling and you don’t even realize it.

Yes, you’re making good money, have had lots of successes, climbed all those heights — and you’re still settling.

What you’re working for isn’t all you want, but it’s all you’re trying to get.

#Settling

If you were seriously dating someone who only wanted to see you on weekends, but you wanted to see them everyday, that would be settling, right? This is no different.

Now, let me give you your props. It was not easy to make it where you’ve been. You have had to work 2 or 3 times as hard as your peers. You have had to show up earlier, stay much later, smile for people who don’t deserve it…

You’ve been passed over when you shouldn’t have and taken on more than you should have.

Truly, you have worked your ass off and deserve to be celebrated — even if you don’t typically celebrate yourself. Especially if you don’t celebrate yourself.

But outside of your success being impressive to the world, what does it mean to you? Outside of knowing that you’ve achieved so much, and have consistently been one of the only in the room, how much does this all matter to you?

Are these accomplishments what you want written on your tombstone? Is this what you want people to reference most about you at your funeral?

Probably not.

And that’s why your success feels hollow.

That’s why you’re looking for something more. That’s why you’re searching for something to help you feel a sense of purpose and meaning. You’re not deeply connected to the thing you spend the majority of your day, week, and life doing.

Your life, mood, health, and self-worth revolve around something that is only meant to provide material gain and financial ability.

Think about it: most of us live where we live because a job kept us there. We sleep when we sleep because of what time we need to get up for work. We eat when we eat because it fits into our work day. We date at night because we work all day. Then we try to live our best lives on Saturday and try not to do too much on Sunday.

Not because God, though. Because work.

I’m not knocking your lifestyle. I’m reminding you of just how much we live for our jobs. What I just described is a life that fits into a job. Not a job that fits into a life.

Have you ever heard that story of the professor with the jar of rocks, pebbles, and sand?

Aight, so boom…

This professor asked his class to tell him when an empty jar became full. He added rocks to it and asked the class if it was full. The class said yes.

Then he poured in pebbles and asked the class if it was full. They agreed it was full…but then he poured in a bunch of sand.

After the sand, he asked if it was full again and the class was convinced nothing else could fit in the jar.

Then he pulled out a glass of water…

Think about what would happen if you tried this. If you put the sand or pebbles in first, you wouldn’t be able to fit all the rocks. If you put the rocks in first, the pebbles would slot in wherever there was space. Then the sand would fill in whatever space the pebbles left. Then the water.

The moral of the story is: if you fill your life with the most important things, other things will fit around them.

You’ve made your job the rocks and everything else in your life is pebbles and sand and water, fitting in where there’s a tiny bit of room here and there.

But if you don’t feel deeply connected to the rocks — you don’t even want that to be the primary thing you’re remembered for — then why is everything else in your life getting the wet, sandy pebble treatment?

Well, it’s because you do the right thing. The right thing you’ve been taught is to secure the bag, take care of yourself, and not need to rely on anyone, right? And, great! You did it! Your well-paying career affords you that.

But it has cost you everything else.

It cost you your mental health; and that lil’ 3 month stress leave wasn’t enough to undo the damage.
It cost you activities you love; those things you stopped doing because you couldn’t figure out how to monetize them.
It cost you time with your family. Sure, you live far from home, but you’d actually like to be around for more of the “small” moments. No worries, everyone accepts that you’re not around much because they respect a life that revolves around a job.

So, you’ve built this life based on a successful career. But how is this life a reflection of you?

How does this life involve your personal interests and passions and marks you want to leave on this world?

Beyond your career and financial success, and your deep love for your loved ones, what does your life say about you?

There’s so much more to life than breaking barriers at work — and you know it. So even when you go looking for another job, to shake things up, you know you’re going to be right back here in 2-3 years.

Trying, again, to feel something meaningful.

It makes perfect sense that you’d invest more in your career to find more life fulfillment. Like you, I was encouraged to find a job that makes me happy and makes me money. I was conditioned to believe my job should be a key source of life fulfillment and satisfaction.

If you find something you love, you’ll never work a day in your life, right? Lies.

Big. Lies.

If you spend most of your waking hours working somewhere that doesn’t fulfill you, it’s reasonable to believe adjusting that life area will make things fall into place. Real talk, most of your greatest achievements have been related to things you were paid to do.

Promotions at work.
Getting hired when you were the underdog.
Industry awards and recognition.

So when 🎶 the party’s not jumpin’ like it used to 🎶, who could blame you for looking to your career to light the fire again?

It’s at this point we might look to a career coach to help us level up for a more ambitious role, or for help moving into a new field. We want a new challenge. A new opportunity. A chance to feel something new. But a new job isn’t what we’re craving.

Once we get too bored, or work becomes too easy, or too repetitive, we think it’s time to go. We can’t “grow” in this role anymore 🤢. There’s nowhere to go from here.

So you think it’s time to move on.

What you’re feeling is ease and you don’t know how to sit in that. You don’t know how to use it to your advantage. You don’t realize you’ve won.

You have worked so hard, for so long. Now that things are finally easy, it feels…wrong. So you start thinking, “what else can I do? What moves can I make? How do I level up?”

But you’re only considering leveling up in your career, when the rest of your life is sitting right there.

You’re so conditioned to climb. You’re conditioned to go all the way up — even when you don’t want what’s up there. You’re not actually trying to be the CEO, but you may work more hours than they do.

Truly, how much further up are you trying to go right now?

You don’t even realize you’ve won.

You’re used to working hard and fighting to prove your worth at work because that’s how our systems pressure Black women. So you look for ways to push yourself, just like everyone who’s ever wanted what’s “best” for you has pushed you, too.

This isn’t the time to push harder in your career. This is the time to invest in other areas of your life. This is the time to pour into areas you’ve neglected while working hard enough to make your job easy.

This is the time to make the rest of your life as successful as your career is.

But I’ll get into that in a minute. First…

Let’s look at some things you think are making your life better (but are really just bandages on a big ole wound).

Catch flights, not feelings, right?

VACATIONS
What better way to have a more meaningful life experience than dealing with bullshit at work than to go see the world? And you’ve been working hard, so you deserve to treat yourself, right?

I say the following, respectfully, as the holder of a tatted-up passport:

Sometimes we think we’re vacationing to get a break from our jobs, but we’re actually just trying to avoid our lives.

We unplug and get away and read a book on the beach for a week. We feel a sense of peace. We’re relaxed. It’s lovely.

“Another margarita, please!”

But we’ve made no progress in bringing our lives more fulfillment, meaning, balance, or long-term satisfaction. We take a break from all things productive, for as long as our team can handle working without us. Then we go right back into the fire.

This is the equivalent of going out for drinks to unwind after a hard day at work.

You haven’t made things better. You’ve just brought your level of dissatisfaction down a notch or two, which will hold you until your next trip.

Barely.

And you run this cycle every 3-6 months, letting the trips distract you from how unsatisfied you feel.

Not knocking it. I understand. I just know there’s a better way.

The better way is building a life you don’t need a vacation from.

I don’t mean finding a job you don’t need a vacation from. You should always take vacations from work, no matter how much you love it.

But needing a vacation from your life is a sign that either too many things are out of balance, or the way you’re operating isn’t in alignment with your wants and needs.

If you operate that way for too long, adding work stress on top of it can actually make you sick. Physically and mentally.

For Colored Girls who need a real break, when all the molehills are actually mountains...

MENTAL HEALTH LEAVE
So, when the vacations aren’t vacationing enough for you, you might try a mental health leave.

First of all, I am so glad these are available! (I hate that they have to exist, though.) These are beyond necessary and I think everyone should take advantage of these the minute they feel it would help them.

But the thing is, we ( 💁🏽‍♀️💁🏿‍♀️) usually take them when it’s too late.

We’ve already had the anxiety attacks, had to turn off our camera and go on mute to cry — or cry in the bathroom, vent incessantly to anyone who will listen, and sit in the dark all weekend just to bring the stress down.

A little more wine. A little more Mary J (and I’m not talking about Blige. We going up, not down…). And a little more Netflix and Chill the eff out.

The mental health leave is supposed to keep you from getting here. But instead we wait until we’re there. We wait until we can’t think of any other way to get ourselves out of that space, before we put in for leave… which takes a while to get approved.

The stress we’re feeling is not just the stress of work. We’re also suffering from having too few outlets to get our cups refilled. If you don’t have enough pouring into you while you’re pouring into everything else, you will burn out.

So, stress from work, no hobbies or activities that bring you joy, love life dry, spiritual practices slipping, physical activity = laps from the couch to the fridge, trying to find time on your friends’ calendar that matches with your free time is a joke — it’s a recipe for a crash and burnout.

But when the right things you’ve been conditioned to do are:

“keep going”
“try your best”
“don’t be lazy”
“work twice as hard for half as much”
“you ain’t that sick, you’re going to school — work — in the morning”

…you will absolutely make it far in your career — on pure grit, if nothing else.

But what’s left over for the other parts of your life?

Not enough.

Is this a life you would call “successful”?

I wouldn’t.

No wonder you don’t feel successful.

If you don’t have enough pouring into you while you’re pouring into everything else, you will burn out.

So, what would make your life — your life — feel like the successful life everyone swears you’re living?

What are some personal achievements that would make you feel like you’re really doing the damn thing? What would be some daily or weekly occurrences that make you feel like you’ve won at life?

It’s probably easiest to think about career things, financial things, or even romantic relationship things. For just a few minutes, try to answer these questions about the other parts of your life.

Think about the creative projects you’d like to spend more time with. Think about the themed dinner party you’ve been wanting to host for years. Think about that floral arranging class you’ve been meaning to sign up for. Think about the book you want to write, the podcast you want to start, your travel photography you’ve been meaning to hang up.

Think about stuff from younger days. Think about how much you loved fashion design, how you kinda used to be a beast at basketball, and how you actually like to cook — when you have the time.

What kinds of activities can you invite into your life that would make life feel richer and more focused on what you like to do, rather than what you have to do?

Think about the relationships that brought a lot to your life, but kind of fell through the cracks. What about a monthly virtual movie night with a friend who lives across the country? What about taking an online class with them, to bring you closer together and closer to a personal goal?

If all this is difficult to imagine because you’re usually just too busy or tired for more things, let’s try something…

Ask yourself, what would your day-to-day look like if you didn’t need to work? Imagine this:

HR PULLS YOU INTO A MEETING AND SAYS…
“We’re going to double your salary for the next 12 months, if you promise not to come to work (not even once) in those 12 months.

“You can’t work for us, you can’t take any other job, and you can’t start a business. At the end of those 12 months your job will be here waiting for you, if you still want it. No tricks. No consequences.

“Sign here if you ‘bout-it-’bout-it…”

So with 2 years salary — guaranteed — without having to work, what would you do with your time?

What would your day-to-day look like?

Your answers are the seeds of figuring out what a successful life means for you. The ways you’d spend your time if you didn’t have to earn money are usually what you find most fulfilling. And with money out of the way, what could you do to make your life less of what it has to be and more of what you wish it would be “in a perfect world”?

How could you make your life a reflection of who you get to be when you don’t have to be anything?

How can you make your life about you again? Or, maybe, for the first time ever?

What would your relationships look like with more time to invest in them? What would your relationship with yourself look like if you had more time for you?

Would you spend time going inwards to clean up and nurture your thoughts for your mental health? Where would your emotional health be?

Would you spend time deepening your faith or creating better spiritual hygiene in your life? What would you do to make your home more of a sanctuary and not just a place you can recharge for work?What does success look like for your physical and financial health when the money is coming in and you have plenty of time?

Who would you be if you lived out your version of success in all of these parts of your life?

How much more successful will your life be when you level up and show out in these parts of your life?

When you think about all of these possibilities, it almost feels impossible to fit a job back into this version of your life. Or possible, but maybe undesirable.

This is where we have to decide what things are the rocks and which things are the sandy pebbles.

There are 8 pillars of a healthy life.

Everything you do in life exists in one of these eight pillars. Everything. Some folks try blending some of these categories, but that makes things murky. We don’t do murky.

It’s important to identify each of these pillars separately. This way, you can easily see where you place your energy and attention. This keeps you from neglecting a pillar and reveals if you over-attend to a pillar.

Those eight pillars are:

Physical wellness
Mental Wellness
Emotional Wellness
Spiritual Wellness
Social Wellness
Environmental Wellness
Occupational Wellness
Financial Wellness

🤑

Financial Wellness

💪🏾

Physical Wellness

💖

Emotional Wellness

🏓

Occupational Wellness

👯‍♀️

Social Wellness

✨

Spiritual Wellness

🧠

Mental Wellness

🏡

Environmental Wellness

When the key measures of life success are a successful job and romantic partnership, we’re only looking at one area of our occupational life and a portion of our social life.

That’s 6 other pillars — 75% — of life we’re not prioritizing.

Hint: your job isn’t the only part of your occupational life. Hobbies, volunteering, and other activities live in that pillar, also.

I’m going to briefly walk you through how to approach those areas to make them key parts of your successful life.

Typically, we don’t use the word “success” in some of these areas. “She has such a successful spiritual life. Seriously, she’s smashing it!” says no one — ever.

But when we decide where we want to be and how we want to feel in these parts of our lives, getting there does make you feel fulfilled, satisfied, and successful — even if you’d never call it that.

The first step is deciding what matters most to you in each of those pillars of your life. Then you’ll need a criteria for how you’ll measure it, a strategy for getting it, and a system for maintaining it.

Let’s focus on the first step, using Environmental Wellness as an example.

Your environment is everywhere you spend time.

THINK ABOUT THIS:
Do you feel comfortable, safe, and happy in your home? Does it feel like your space? Does it feel like a place that recharges you? Or does it feel a place that drains you every time you look around and see all that you still need to do?

Would you feel successful at taking care of yourself if you created a home space that makes you feel cared for? What would that require?

Let’s look at when you’re not at home. Do you stay in places, or with people, that help you feel the way you’d want home to feel? Do you stay in hotels that help you feel relaxed? Do you stay with family members that stress you out — and put up with it because you “should”?

Would you feel successful if you always provided yourself a home away from home that meets your environmental needs?

What would that require?

After you decide on what success looks and feels like in this pillar of your life, you’ll need a criteria for measuring it. This may feel pretty sterile and mechanical when thinking about a home, for example. But, without knowing what you’re working towards, you’ll never be sure if you’re making progress.

If you don’t measure against a self-determined criteria, you may start beating yourself up for “failing” — even if closer than you realize. Creating your own criteria is critical.

I encourage you to take this style of approach with all 8 pillars. In my 10-Day Get Your Life (Missions) Together Challenge, I break down each pillar to help you decide what success looks like for you in each of these areas.

Start the free 10-Day Get Your Life (Missions) Together Challenge

FUTURE YOU DESERVES THIS.
The 10-Day Get Your Life (Missions) Together Challenge is your opportunity to uncover what truly matters in every area of your life. By the end of this challenge, you’ll have a clear, personalized vision for each key aspect of your life—a roadmap that will guide your decisions, keep you motivated, and help you achieve your biggest goals.

This transformative challenge is completely free and delivered straight to your inbox over 10 days. It’s time to take control and design a life that feels purposeful, balanced, and aligned with what you truly want — even if you struggle to say what that is.

This isn’t just a challenge — it’s an opportunity to launch a way of life that feels aligned, balanced, and makes your long-held goals achievable.

We were all taught who we should be and how we should live before we ever learned who we actually are. We weren’t really supported in doing things our own way. The people who raised us weren’t well equipped to encourage us to take those risks. So they told us to do what they thought was best.

And it worked.

We did well. We’re the most educated demographic in the United States. We’re starting businesses at a higher rate than any other group. We’re ambitious and not afraid of the work. If anything, we’re too comfortable with work. But the kind of work we do so well is only going to take us far in one department. Because we’ve poured so much into that one department, we’re expecting to feel the satisfaction that matches the effort we’ve put in.

When it doesn’t show up, we think we need to give more there. But that isn’t the success we’re yearning for, at this point.

I’ve created a (free) challenge to help you explore the 8 pillars of your life and identify what success looks and feels like. The challenge has questions, activities, and opportunities for reflection that will help you shape this new successful life that doesn’t get overrun by your career. Each pillar will come in a separate email so you can work through one life pillar at a time. You can grab that here.

Or — if you’re feeling so burnt out from work that all you can think about is finding another job — this piece on Vocational Incompatibility is here for you.

It’s time to design and live a life carved out especially for you. It’s time to make all of your wants, needs, and personal goals the center of your life. This life.

You only get one.

Looking for something else to get into? Try these:

The Training

The PLAD™ Life Design and Management System training helps you systematically design your life for maxium clarity, focus, and efficient action.

The Challenge

Start the The 10-Day “Balance Your Life” Challenge. It comes via email. I know, you already get a ton of emails. That’s why it’s designed for people who are hella busy.

The Squad

Come to a GoalWorking™ Session. It’s co-working, for your goals. If you never get around to personal projects because they’re not on your calendar, we get you.

(That's me, Naya. Hi! I'm serving face in this picture, but I promise I'm approachable 👋🏾)

I’m here to help us stop living by rules that work against us.

If that’s what you’re about, welcome home. If that’s what you’re trying to be about, stick around — we love a rebel!

Around here we talk about:

How to define success for yourself and live an aligned life that excites you
Avoiding the work-life balance trap and achieving true life balance
Keeping your actions in alignment with your life vision and values
Having the nerve to do the big thing you’ve never stopped dreaming about
Managing your motivation so that you follow through on your biggest goals